btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
