Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
