can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Randomize
