You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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