wakey wakey hands off snakey
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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