For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
