she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
