Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
