This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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