Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
