Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
