Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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