I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
