I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
