I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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