i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
