I think I am morally bankrupt
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
