mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
