Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
