This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
