tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
