Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
