So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
