I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
