remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
