I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
This gyro tastes like lonliness
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
