I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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