just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
