Sry I called you an 8
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
