she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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