well you can't waste a boner
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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