did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.