last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
