my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
How does it feel to date your dad?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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