it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
