I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
