I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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