omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
