You're my little dorito
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
This girl is more easily done than said...
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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