We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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