I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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