I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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