I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
