Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
