Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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