I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
