I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
