the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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