Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
do herpes really smell.
is wine microwaveable?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
