Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
