Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
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She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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