I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
