I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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