my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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