he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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