I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
