the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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