so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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