you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
