i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
My life is pants optional.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
