party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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