i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
