I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
