I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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