i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
